Goodbye for now

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When the burning still continues

I want to hurt you for being so bratty
I lift up your pretty dress
Pull your best panties down
Stare at your swollen cunt
Pull you over my knee
Pinch and SPANK!

I want to hurt you for being so cute
I tease that wet pussy
Wipe fingers on your buttocks
Push you on all fours
Everything exposed
Scratch and SLAP!

I want to hurt you for trying to forget
That time I consumed you
When nothing else mattered
But me overpowering you
And your lust for my pain
Bang and THUD!

I want to hurt you for being so naughty
That urge to feel young
Wanting to be dirty
Your bum raised to me
I raise my cane
Whoosh and WHACK!

I want to hurt you for your cheeky eyes
I grab your pert breasts
Dig my nasty nails in
Pull at your nipples
Bite your pretty neck
Pull and SUCK!

I want to hurt you for that juice trickling
Down your swollen cunt
I breath in your smell
I raise my crop high
Your bum quivers
WHHHHHHHACK!

I want to hurt you for consuming my mind
I flip you on your back
Face between my legs
Hair in your nose
Lips in your mouth
SQUIRT!

I want to hurt you for nearly drowning
In my acrid juices
Tears wet on your cheeks
Bottom so sore
My fingers fill you
Push, push, WHAM!

I want to hurt you because your dirty
My stiff raised hand
Whacking your button
Your juices splatter
My mouth on your nipple
Suck and BITE!

I want to hurt you because you love it
Holster on
My cock in place
Shoved in your mouth
Then sliding between labia
Push and WHAM!

I want to fill you so you don't forget
I thrust you hard
Your cunt envelopes
Your mind fills with me
You so small, me so big
Together in ECSTASY!

I want to cuddle you warm and hard
For being a good girl
For sucking my breast
As we lie together
And melt away
Time standing still

So hard to go back
To our usual selves
Our usual lives
Our usual roles
When the burning still continues ...

Bliss

In bed, wet morning
Snuggled deep
Into warm flesh
So safe and loved
And relaxed

Breakfast, coffee, laptop
Warm bed
Trees, birds, rain outside
And you beside me
Sleeping peacefully
Cuddle into my hip
Smiling, breathing
Loved and in love

Bliss

She is there in front of me ...

She is there in front of me
Her back faces me
Arms over the spanking horse limp
Legs trying to part
But cautiously closing
Her feet placed firmly
The foundation that will keep her grounded
In what is to come
Her body trying so very hard to relax
And prepare
For what is about to come

I drag my nails along her soft back
From neck to buttock
Down the legs and up
In between
Around the buttocks
Swirling
Her energy opens and flows
Up to me

A harsh spank awakens her from the spell
We are not here just for sensation
My pretty
The excitement and fear
Fills my nostrils
And enters my mouth
For me to taste
And breath in deep
A primeval channel is opened

The music changes
I am away
The music bounces me along
In this dance of light, love and pain
Spanking, pounding, patting, stroking, cropping
Scratching
So intoxicating
Yet I am in tune with every breath and movement
From her

My movements are enchanted by our rhythms and the music
And the infliction of glorious pain
Watching her flinch at that one
Easing her back down with this one
Bringing her back up with that one
Let her spin and drift with this one
Only to be drawn back out with that one
Waves of pain and love and sexuality
And that deep deep feeling that is indescribable
But only those in the dance of pain know
So well
Yet can never quite put their finger on it
Long enough
To speak those unspoken words

Then we arrive at the cane
The true love of my life
Cane never lets me down
It's beauty intoxicates me
Mesmerises me
And fills me
In these moments
The universe and I are one

I dance with five canes and the bodies I find
These moments
Are my happiest
These moments
A savage power fulfills me
It flows through me
Thrilling me
Repelenishing me
Loving me
And her

How many will she take
Which ones will she like the most
How far can we go
In this dance of pain and love and light?

I caress her with the cane
Massage her
Let it bounce on her beautifully rounded buttocks
I tap her on her back
When she is sinking into it
I give her a whack
Remember my pretty
This is about pain
As well as sensation
Good girl, you are doing well

It comes in waves up and down
Soft and hard
As I weave my cane spell
Her bottom sinks in
Her legs quiver
Her hands grasp
They then collapse
As she goes through that barrier
To that special place
I ease the strokes and remind her
To bring that bottom back out
For me
To hit it again and again

We dance the cane dance
Time stands still
The room blurs
Yet part of me knows where we are
By where we are in the music
And part of me is forever watching her
And me

Five canes are used
I slide back and forth
Between them
Stamina is needed
For her to take the wangees
And so we revisit the school cane
I slide from pure evil animal
To seductress in pain and sensation

And the disciplinary cane bounces
Loud and proud as it struts
Along her body
It is so long I can observe her pretty face
Such beauty in her hard work
Taking it and loving it and hating it

There are moments when her sexy body is frozen
She has gone from here to the other world
Then she comes back with such beautiful fear and pain
And even tears
She will never be the same
She has visited that world I once knew

I lighten the whacks and build the intensity
This is it
I have taken control of her body
It builds and builds and she cannot control it
Just be
Little one - just be
She allows it to sweep over her
She comes in wonder and ecstasy
All through it the glorious pain leaching into every pour
It rolls off her and up her body in to mine
It hits me so hard and washes over me
Flowing into my clit
And drawing at my face
We both quiver and shake
And smile

We collapse in smiles and giggles and hugs
I re position her
My hands and nails flow over her body
I soothe her and remind her
Of the painful bits
Of our play
Nails stroke her
She smiles
Nails dig into her
She gasps
Hands massage her
She purrs
Hands stoke her
She floats
Mouth kisses her relaxed body
Then I sink my teeth in biting her hard
Sucking her life force
She is frozen in pain and pleasure
I then drop her down
To float and dream
As I stroke her
Before I bring her back to
The here and now

Thank you

Genital Torture and Me

I was recently inspired by a collection of CBT photos in fetlife. One in particular was a guy in latex chaps with his penis bound in front of him with a humbler to propel it up and the head was a globe of needles. It looked spectacular. Like something you would see in an art gallery. I find work like that very inspirational. To take some body parts that are usually seen as something else and turn them into a work of art really gives me a thrill. It is doubly so if it involves that person going through a process of pain. Having them submit their body in a session (especially a vulnerable part), watching them process that pain, feeling their energy as they do this and all the time I am playing with a tender part of their anatomy changing it into some thing humourous, artistic, horrifying, sweet, beautiful, pretty - whatever takes my fancy at the time.

Before it was cock and balls, now I have ventured out into labia, urethra, vagina. Any worry about projection I once had was processed in the first session. My dominant/sadist side came through and I did not think about this being done to me, but fully focused on what needed to be done - implements and body parts, as well as soothing and reassuring the brave receptor of the pain.

I really miss cock and ball torture. Finding a regular suitable play partner seems impossible presently. Not only do I love the sensations and thoughts as above, but I also love taking the great phallic symbol that has been worshiped as the be all and end all of huMANity and reducing it to something else. It is not a hatred of man, but a subversion of patriarchy. It is done with humour and love. Not maliciousness and hatred. I am sure some people miss this point.

I do not hate men, I love many of them and are meh about a lot of them. Some annoy the fuck out of me, but I do not hate them. I just think society has taken them way too seriously and put major expectations on them for far too long. Taking the phallic symbol and subverting it is a work of art in itself and one I wish to share with the world, but a lot of the world just projects themselves or those they care about in to the picture and does not get it at all.

People are so hung up over genitals and so hung up over blood. Blood is beautiful, and ancient, and sexy, our life essence therefore it is sacred and needs to be expressed not always contained in the vessels we call bodies. Genitals are subjective and are at the mercy of the situation they are placed in. This paragraph will be explored further later.

When I used to do CBT on trev all of the above was happening, but also love was there between us. I not only admired him for always taking on the challenge and turning it into pleasure, but I loved inflicting the pain and seeing him take it with love and grace and moving it into something he could enjoy - such a clever masochist. I would love to reward him afterwards with my body for him to pleasure and for me to pleasure his. His greatest reward was to see me delighted in what I was doing to him and then seeing me blissed out at what he was doing to me. I know that all helped him to take the challenge and I know that is why it is so hard to find a play partner now.

Now I love someone who does not have the pleasure response to cbt, therefore my cbt work is about respect and care for the one going through the pain and the pure sadistic pleasure of doing it, married with the fun or creating something new with the traditional cock and balls. These new play partners are not rewarded with my body and therefore it is harder to find one that fits with me. Their reward needs to be moving much further in their own personal journey of pleasure, endurance and pain. They need to enjoy it in some way. My love comes to them as a fellow human being helping them and enjoying them, but not as something sexual.

Do I ever think about the men that have raped me when I do cbt? No I really don't.

When I am doing my sadistic work on any part of the body I am thinking of that person and what is happening between us not my past. I do not play with people I do not feel good with. That is a risk I am not prepared to take and not something I can enjoy. I am not a bitch domme I am a nurturer. Even when I push people to go places they do not think they can go it is as a nurturer as well as a sadist. I don't do things to people that I think will hurt them emotionally or psychologically. That goes against my beliefs. If others wish to do that then so be it, but it is not for me.

CBT for me is about artistry, humour, endurance, energy, subversion, golden moments and love.

How do you start?

Below is a reply to someone that was frustrated with not being able to start on his dominant journey because no sub that he approached was willing to give him a go, because he did not have the experience. He had no profile. There were two replies before mine.

They need to know some things about you before being interested. Therefore a well written profile is a must. You may want to change your name as well. It sounds more like a pushy sub's name, than a dominant [Cunt Connoisseur] . There is nothing wrong with a dominant who enjoys pussy and lots of it, but to base first impressions on this they may think you are just after sex. 

In my experience starting at the bottom and moving to the top makes the best dominant, or at least trying it out a few times to understand the D/s dynamic and what it is like to receive and process pain. You can understand your prospective subs a lot better that way. If you have brought up children then you already have experience of guiding people in life.

People are more likely to give a new dominant a go if they know them. That means getting yourself out there. Munches, parties, events and contributing to discussions in here. Find groups that interest you and ones that are local to your area as well. This is a time to learn as much as you can so that it comes out in conversations and messages. Do not pretend to know it through experience, but someone who does their homework leaves a good impression for a sub to take a chance.

I always recommend the real stuff not online, that is munches and events seeing someone's body language and how they act and talk if so much easier and safer than spending a long time online only to find that it is a bad match. Seeing that guy from the munch at events and then finally chatting with him and realizing you feel comfortable with him is a much more secure way for a sub to give him a go.

Remember that it is unlikely that one of your first playmates will be 'the one', so do not be too picky. Some one that is clean, friendly and is not going to blurt out your life story to the world is enough for some experimental work. A sub who is experienced and willing to assist you to learn is even better.

I am well known for being a good S/m dominant in my area. I started as a switch, then a sub and then back to a switch before progressing to a dominant. I was active in the local scenes as well as local yahoo and then fetlife groups. I joined a committee for local group that held workshops and events that gave me knowledge and credence in the community. People know who I am and know I have too much to loose by being unsafe or scary. They are therefore willing to play with me.

My playing experience has come from being a sub who could take a lot of pain, who experienced a lot on the bottom, and who experienced a lot of casual play as well as some long term bonding. I know pain inside and out and I know what it is like to be sub as well as a play bottom. I was blessed to have learned how to dominate with a sub who had 20 years experience under his belt. He was not pretty, he was a lot older than me and it was meant to be a play only relationship. That developed into a very intense loving S/m relationship. He has since passed over, but I have him to thank for being the strong, confident, experienced dominant that is writing to you now.

Good luck on your journey.

WW ;-)

Age: Judgement, relationships, and BDSM

Written in response to a thread asking about judging people by their age and how age affects relationships.

Relationships

My sub is 23 and I am 48. A few years back I would not have conceived having a partner that young, but there you are circumstances led us together and it has worked incredibly well. Because he is not much older than my children I can relate to him reasonably well. I am very in touch with his generation through my children. My kids and I had a close relationship when we lived together. I was the cool Mum that their friends talked easily to and I helped them with problems that their parents would not handle well. We had the fun parties where there were no dramas, etc. My sub is much more mature than my kids. I think that comes from gaming and chatting with people of many ages on the internet for years before he met me and stepped back into the real world. He can talk well with people of all ages. The only time I feel old with his generation is when people talk gaming, because my idea of games is frogger, cards and monopoly!

I was sub to a man 26 years my senior and that worked well for a time. There was a big difference in perspectives, but the age difference worked for our dynamic. It was something else that destroyed the relationship. I had a sub 15 years older than me and that worked really well. He was young at heart, but lucky for me, as a new dominant at the time, very experienced in BDSM. The difference in age rarely was a problem.

One of my regular playmates is the same age as my daughter. But she is much more mature than her. I have decided to draw the line at the age. Again I would have thought too young, but I took her under my wing when she was a newbie, because I thought it better to play with someone who would look after her. She has played with lots of people, but has come back to playing mainly with my sub and I. We do not have a sexual relationship though.

Another regular playmate is in his 50s and I used to play with his Master also in his 50s. They both do not seem older than me.

***********************************************************************************************************

Age in general:

Age is more than a number. It is an interesting characteristic about a person. You are a product of your generation whether you like it or not. You share some experiences with people your own age bracket, even if you are mostly very different to them. I notice each generation has certain characteristics, but other than that it is no barrier.

I think in the BDSM community age is far less of a barrier than in most communities. We all share something in common that we only get to talk about with each other. That is what binds us. Because it is of such a personal and often hidden part of our identity it breaks down many barriers - not just age. Barriers such as class, ethnicity, spiritual beliefs, sexual orientations, family cultures, career structures are put aside so that we can mingle and play and 'just be' without the outside world interfering.

However, for myself I do not comment much on fet photos younger than my sub. If I do it is more encouraging and admiring than of a sexual nature. I do not want to be too much of a dirty old lady - if it is not ok for men then I have to go by my principles and be the same. When it comes to playing with people, age rarely comes into it if they are older than my children. I expect as my children get older that will change, but generally I prefer playmates to be 21 and over. I have played with men in their 70s. As long as their health is ok and I click with them there is not a problem.

I was a stoner in my past and that too was a common ground that brought people together from all ages. Therefore I have always mixed with a variety of ages. As far as judging people by their age. I like to get to know them to figure out their maturity. I think most people would pass some judgement when they see a person before they get to know them, for example renting a property when you are in your teens you do have to make an effort to show that you are mature enough to be a good tenant.  It is much easier for me to rent places now than when I was younger. I am often judged in the vanilla world as being too old to hang out with young people and in general not eye candy to men of any generation, whereas in the BDSM world we are a bit more cerebral than that. They have no idea what I do with young people! I particularly noticed it when I went to erotica/sexpo.

When I am working with young people I notice that they respect me more than my younger co-workers, so that is an advantage. I presume it is the Mum thing. It is funny because I am the one with the unusual haircuts, piercings and musical tastes compared to my conservative young co-workers.

So age is more than a number, it is an interesting characteristic. I consider it less of a barrier in the BDSM world than the vanilla world and for me we are all just people with a variety of interesting characteristics, age being just one of them. I am very happy with my young sub  :-)

Super beings

Sometimes super beings are just human beings
Sometimes it is hard for them to even get off the couch and hang out the washing let alone save the world

Sometimes super beings are just human beings
Sometimes they have feelings just like you and needing a hug, or advice, or answers to their messages

Sometimes super beings are just human beings
They do not have all the answers for everyone or even themselves, sometimes they too feel the impossibility of life

Sometimes super beings are just human beings
They need to draw power from others rather than giving their power away; saving the world is a tiring business at times

Sometimes super beings are just human beings
Sometimes they wish they too could be destructive and not be a rolemodel and sometimes ...
they even cry!

Sometimes super beings are just human beings they need to unleash pain upon themselves see their own blood flow to know that they too are alive ...............

A journey of altered consciousness

'The kind of pain that works best as a tool of altered states is not the sort that is necessarily best for killing someone, or immobilising an enemy. To work properly, it should be sustained at the same level for a long period of time, or be adjustable as needed. It should not cause too much in the way of physical damage, because that might make you pass out and miss the entire experience. It's carefully controlled, carefully orchestrated pain, not random flailing, and the best way to work with it is to do it slowly and with attention to the reactions of one's body. This isn't just about safety ... It's that if things go wrong, you will lose the thread of altered consciousness that takes you There, wherever There is' - Raven Kaldera - Dark Moon Rising: Pagan BDSM and the Ordeal Path.

With exception to the bit about going slow I can really relate to this statement. Yes a slow build up, but I am often fast in my movement with impact play as well as slow and the many degrees in between.  However what I am interested in is the altered consciousness that is called subspace. If one is to go deep into it, is it similar to the journeys of ancient cultures? The above book, that was given to me by the lovely Chilli_gal, and a recent experience made me ponder over the BDSM style that I have developed and my personal philosophy on sadism that has been developing over the years.

Kaldera works from a pagan perspective and therefore there is a lot of stuff about gods and pagan belief systems that I find hard to read in his book, but the principles of the Ordeal Path that ancient and some current non Christian based societal groups were/are practicing is something that I can relate to for personal growth through pain. Actually some earlier Christians were also into it such as the flagellates.

I absolutely think each to their own, whatever floats each other’s boats. I love that tops take so many different approaches etc, etc, but I have worked out what works for ME; and there seems to be a large number of playmates that enjoy what I do, so I am not alone in this. Some have even noticed a shift in their energy and an ability to do things that they could not do before. If the bottoms wish to consider my S/m play as just a bit of fun then that is great. However, if they wish to feel they are in touch with something deeper inside or outside of themselves through pain then that is even better.

I love taking people on journeys through pain. It does not have to go deep, but I certainly would like to explore that side with some. Through my actions I like to guide them along a path. I may jolt them a little when it feels right, but I do not like to jolt them out of subspace, because all that work we have just been through needs to start again if we are to reach a pain that they are truly capable of tolerating.

When I was a sub I knew that BDSM could be a journey of personal growth, but also each play is like a journey within itself. Perhaps it was similar to taking a trip on acid in the 70s (when the acid was good!) or peyote in the dessert, or skewering your mouth or back in a religious ritual, or flagellation in medieval times.  When I subbed to my ex-dom I often would go deep into sub space. It would be like a meditative journey. One in which I once even visualised something that I would not see until the following week. I would go into this landscape that seemed so real, but if I tried to question where I was and what I was doing there I would be pulled back into consciousness. It is with this understanding of the altered consciousness that I approach my sadism.

I want to take people on journeys into an altered consciousness, i.e. subspace. So far I have only played with a few people that I feel are ready  to go as far as I went myself, but I think there are many with such potential and a few that can go much further if they allow me – and most importantly allow themselves to go ‘there’. I think this is why I am not interested in the D/s thing when playing in an S/m way. I am their guide more than their dominator. The domination is just to set the scene, keep them in the space and for them to focus on my voice when necessary.

I consider it is a matter of not thinking, but feeling and then pushing through the pain barrier to float on the other side. To explore the other side without interference from your conscious self – and that is where trust is so important, otherwise you are still going back and forth and not able to explore. To let go and believe the top will guide you right is a big leap of faith, or in my case as a new sub it was my dominant putting me into a comfy position after play and allowing me to drift without interruption until I was ready to come out of it.

I am no pagan and as I said above what I have read and heard so far regarding the ordeal path is a bit off putting for me personally – but power to the people that it fits well with. My belief system is actually based in my contact with spiritualists a few years ago. Then I developed my own spiritual journey through meditation and the information that found me rather than I have found it.  It was a matter of just knowing what to do and believing in me and those that guide me. I think the dear old mediums at the spiritualist church would probably not agree with me mixing BDSM with spiritualism, but when they reach the other side they may change their minds.  It is just that they are not here for that reason, whereas I am increasingly aware that one of the reasons I am here and now is for that reason. I think it is in line with the pagan ordeal journey that Kaldera writes about – but for me there are no entities, just energies and guides.

For me it was a process of coming to the understanding that the modern world has left the sexual and recreational pain in a special bad/sacred box and therefore erotic and/or enjoyable pain is just wrong. To combine it with a spiritual journey seems sacrilege to many puritans, yet what I and many others are doing, whether it involves the sexual or not, is touching on areas of the body and mind that others consider dirty or weird or ‘just not right’.

At the same time for many in the BDSM community to use all that fun stuff in a spiritual way also is ‘just not right’, but I think anyone working with energy may have some understanding of what I am talking about on both sides of the fence. It is in working with the energy that is between and within the people in S/m sessions and remembering my own personal journeys as a bottom that I have gained insight into where I want to take my sadism and where I want to take my playmates.

I feel that it is perfectly natural to get a thrill in your head and/or in your genitals from giving and receiving pain. To match this up with a spiritual journey seems a natural thing to do. If the word spiritual does not fit well with you then please name that journey something that suits you (just as I have chosen to skim over Raven Kaldera’s rituals and gods). Make it your own!

I started writing this lengthy entry to process my thoughts and feelings on my style of play compared to others and the book I was reading about spiritual journeys through BDSM. Not only am I enjoying evil sadistic fun, but I love nurturing and guiding people on their journey through Sadomasochism and subspace.   

I recognise that some do not understand it or wish to understand it and others do not believe in it. I also understand that some tops enjoy pulling people out of subspace to increase their pain and make it more difficult for them. However, I believe that a person can go much further on their pain journey in the present and into the future if they are allowed to work through subspace in a session – not be pulled out of it just as they are sinking into it. It is a case of different strokes for different folks, but for me the content and floaty looks on people’s faces after playing with them is equally a reward as the fun of inflicting my pain upon to them.

Enjoy the trip!

WW ;-)  

Hand strapping

Hand strapping. I don’t know what it is about hand strapping, but it is really hot and brings out the young naughty little masochist in me. It is something that is really only suited to be dished out by certain people to make it feel ‘right. To date I have not felt the right vibe to do it someone else you very often.

I used to be dommed by an older English styled dominant of the old spanko variety. He brought out a naughty young lady character from my inner depths. I tried to deny this feeling/character, but it/she was often there when we played and she often would sit between us when we were alone. She certainly immerged when I was standing to attention legs together, hands at my sides head bowed or looking directly ahead ready to present my hands palm upwards for a hand strapping. I was usually in a suspender belt and stockings, perhaps some lingerie, but often nothing else. Not exactly school girl or Victorian ward attire, but there was a feel of that age in such a scene even though it was never spoken. We did not need to create the scene to feel it.

I loved and hated hand strapping. I hated it because it hurt and I loved it because it hurt and gave me such a thrill. It was always hard to lift my hand up and offer it to him to strap. I knew what was coming and I hated the burning pain, it made me want to cry, but at the same time it brought me such intense pleasure emotionally and sexually. As my hand was burning from the pain my clit was glowing and a warm excited feeling would wind its way throughout my body.

Having to then present my other hand was so difficult to do. I knew what would happen, yet I longed for it. If there was any moment that I knew I was a masochist this was it! I would have to put my burning hand at my side, or on his cock that was hanging out of his trousers, as I then replaced the fresh hand waiting for the pain to come. Then of course I would have to present the first hand for another strapping when it was still sore. It was hard to do, yet I loved doing it for him and for me. Over and over I would repeat this until I could not take anymore. He would be stern, but amused at my behaviour. He knew he had a masochist on his hands and he liked to prove it to him and myself by me offering my hand even though I was in pain.

Those masochist days have long gone for me, but the memories are there and the hot feeling whenever I see a hand strapping. I am not that person anymore and cannot bottom to a character that would suit such a scene. However, sometimes I am a school girl or Victorian ward in my fantasies and the hand strapping makes an appearance.  

If I find the right person to suit such a scene I would love to strap their hand. Passing it on as it were.

    

Pain

Pain in the BDSM sense is many things to me. As a bottom it was connected to challenging my body and mind as well as a turn on. I would cum from canes, single tails and nipple torture. It was also an amazing way to escape from my everyday life. It centred my body and mind. I do miss it.

Sex after or during a play session is usually awesome giving and receiving but for me it has to be with the right people. And 'the right people' seems to be getting more complex as I go along.

As a dominant giving pain also has many levels. I can do it as an educational thing for demos or for assisting people to understand with new stuff on their journey. My reward is the sense of passing it on to others, spreading the love that is BDSM.

Then there is my sadistical pleasure. As a few of you know given a willing and strong mind and healthy body mixed with a good rapport I would go to huge lengths of fun/horror in my sadism. There does not need to be sexual elements in it for me to be chuckling manically or getting a huge rush mentally and often sexually.

There is also playing with someone I am attracted to. I do not need to play particularly hard with them to get my rush, but the more intense the play the more I enjoy it.

I am currently looking for someone to do cbt with. I do not want to be sexually attracted to them. I want to do nasty and often funny things with their equipment. They need to enjoy this and not expect any form of sexual release in my presence. I want them to enjoy the cbt as a masochist with a sense of humour and challenge. They are most welcome to carry the experience away and do what they like with it afterwards. So that is another level. But because it will involve needles and electricity I have no takers yet.

I love it when two minds meet on the same S/m wavelength. I have only experienced this with three people on the giving end and one on the receiving end. We just link mind and body in glorious pain and it 'just works'. No point in unpacking it - just do it. It is like a game of how far we can go, a challenge of endurance and ecstasy.

I love taking people to their limit of endurance, pushing them further than they ever expected to go. To see them so blissful and exhausted at the end and me sailing on such a huge high myself. It gives me so much joy.

Pain is such an important part of my life - love it!

I am sick sick sick

Fetlife, one of the few places I can go and feel free to express myself in my true profane, insane, and just plain gruesome self. The sadist in my can wallow in explicit photos of people’s torture. I can admire provocative art that is savage, intelligent, sadistic and sensual. I savour the intimate moments between sadist and masochist caught in pixels for the BDSM world to see. I admire and envy their journeys.

I am turned on and/or admire the scenes in front of me as I flick through my feed. They spark ideas for my play; they take me to new heights of fantasy; and deliver me from the boring vanilla world outside my door. My Fetlife friends deliver the beautiful, bizarre, gory, gritty, humourous and hilarious to me each day as I eagerly view at the click of my mouse. I return the favour in full by commenting on the photos that provoke an emotion within me from latex fetish models, to rope art, to folks at home having fun, to the strange and weird, right through to incredible sadistic works of art.

Fetlife is a place I call home through good times and bad. I have made friends there with people from all over the world. Some I have met and most I will never meet. However there are many in New Zealand I have met and are likely to meet. (A small country can be a good place at times). I have openly discussed and written about my interests, fantasies, skills, opinions, loves, losses, and even my submissive’s death. It is my release, my entertainment, my infotainment and education.

I would have thought that Fetlife would be the place where I could relax and be myself without the annoyance of judgement. Lately it is a place where I am reminded that I am sick.

Some of it is from well meaning friends who cannot share my interest in hard core S/m. I understand that even the thumbnail pictures are too much for them to take. I would have thought they could skip through and look for the ok pictures amongst the ones that look like gore, or just look for my updates and writing to keep up with what is going on in my life - but apparently not. I do not want to upset people, so I have to accept the dreaded unfriending on Fetlife and still carry on as usual as friends in real life. But when I see them I notice I censor my conversation. I do not chat away about some of the BDSM stuff that makes my heart soar.

I try not to take it to heart – your kink is not my kink, etc. However some are playing rather extremely themselves, which seems a tad ironic. I suppose they cannot see what a crowd of people see done to them on a monthly basis, but there is no blood. Maybe that is the issue. Whatever. I try not to take it to heart, but I do miss seeing their comments and shared pictures on Fetlife (knowing about their lives when I see so little of them in person).

Some overseas friends unfriend me without telling me. I suddenly notice someone has commented on their picture and then realise why I did not see it before. I have been unfriended. I have to ask why to myself. Could be many reasons, but it could be because my taste is not acceptable.

Other people openly comment on my photos telling me I am sick. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but why bother to look and comment on my photos if that is how they feel? What I do is completely consensual and risk aware – and it is with adult humans only. I personally am offended by their bland photo collections. Yet if that is all they are into I do not feel a need to comment on how boring they are. I just do not bother looking if it upsets the sadist in me!

All of this has been eating away at me lately. I can say “whatever” and carry on, but I chose to be part of Fetlife to be myself and freely express the ‘me’ that is not acceptable outside of Fetlife. I wonder if it is eroding the sadist in me. I comment less than I used to on the shocking photos. I rarely lead friends into the trap of looking at something totally off the wall. It used to be a fun game. Who can find the most shocking photo? I still comment on the photos that move me emotionally as a sadist, but straight away I wonder which friend I have offended and I am reminded that I am sick and my taste is unacceptable.

I have just spent time with my son. We watched graphically violent and artistic, and graphically violent and funny films. He is not into BDSM, but knows I am into it. His approach is like my approach. We appreciate the portrayal of violence and gore, but we look beyond it to further understand the capture of the beauty and pain of humanity. This is something that I feel is missing in so many people’s perceptions of torture, BDSM, and violent fantasy. This is the bit I wish I could explain to people, but quite frankly I cannot be bothered.

They will never understand the journey that some people on Fetlife are on. I have lived through extreme S/m sessions. I have come out of them understanding myself and humanity deeply through doing this. For me it is far more than getting sexually turned on. I love guiding people through similar journeys. I would love to reach such heights as someone like Goddessira, but I do not think I will met someone to do this with and I am so out of practice that I know I cannot be the masochist I once was. So I live through the amazing Fetlife pictures hoping to gain some insight into how it feels. I just want to say “hey look at this folks – this is mind blowing” but I do it less and less.

I am enjoying myself and I have every right to, because no one I am looking at or play with are being forced to do it. I do not watch porn which is usually performance only; and I often wonder what led them to do what they do. I do not do horrible things to people. I do amazing things to people and I wish I could do even more amazing things to people!

The pictures I view on Fetlife are all consenting adults doing what they want to do. I will continue feasting on Fetlife fun and fantasy, but I will ponder on ways to not feel bad about something that makes me feel so good, so real, so ok. I am very pleased that my son unknowingly reminded me that I am not sick. I have the intelligence to view S/m and violent fantasy both deeply and shallowly. And I like what I see!

Wonder Womyn ;-)

Reply to someone asking about cbt needle work

Hello. I do not have any experience yet with labia, but I have experience with penises and scrotums. I have not pierced through testicles yet - but that must be done with sterile needles or auto-claved objects only and I suggest you have a lot of experience before driving anything into this area. I would also not suggest going down the urethra, due the risk of injury in an area a lay person cannot attend to well. (There are sounds to play with down there instead).

I suggest you have a look back through my [fetlife] profile that will give you some scope, and maybe join some of the many cbt, genital torture groups for more. (You need to go back awhile in the pictures, because I stopped when my sub developed cancer - not in that area).

I am not sure about your region, but I and people I know get their needles from needle exchanges. Just say they are for play piercings and so you don't need syringes. Their products are sterile and safe, and they are efficient. You will need to buy a needle disposal unit. If you bring back a full one you get a free one back and the needles are cheaper the fuller the unit. The one in Auckland that I use is in East St, just of K'rd.

I have pierced along the cock and on the edge of the glans/head and in various parts of the scrotum. I have stretched and pegged the scrotum out on a large cork with the middle bored out on it with large needles (soaked in janola). I had plans to autoclave nails to do this, but my sub became ill before I was able to. Due to the fine skin in this area I have found it easier to work with small needles such as 23 and 25 gauge needles especially in the scrotum. I have however used up to 16 gauge needles in both areas before.

Remember for bondage and needles this area is like a snail. The balls slide easily from your fingers and try to escape the needles. The cock usually shrinks when in pain, but some lucky people manage to remain in tacked.

I suggest you or whoever is doing it start by learning on backs, arms, hands and thighs before moving to such a fragile area. The skin is very different down there though, so try the web between the thumb and pointer finger. Northern Bonds occasionally has needle workshops, I suggest that you join up if you are prepared to come down to Auckland for them. I do not think they teach you cbt needle play, but it is a good place to get pointers.

As for how it feels I am sorry I have no experience there. I know it hurts in the nipples and that my new sub finds it too painful in the cock and balls. Some people love the pain, some even get turned on by it, but all I have spoken to say it is painful.

Good luck in your journey

WW ;-)

Different levels of play

In response to a thread about levels of sexual energy in play:

I have played with quite a few people and for me there are different levels. Sometimes we may cross from one level to another depending on how open the person is and how much energy I wish to give and receive.

As far as sex goes: I rarely play in a sexual way in front of people other than my sub, except for a bit of touching and hitting. I only want my sub entering me and going down on me. That may change with someone special, but I doubt that it will be another man. I am gender queer. At the moment I usually feel like a man working through a woman's body when I play intimately with women and therefore I do sexual things to women, but my bottom half is stone in regard to them doing things to me. This may change with the right women, because there are some women that I do feel like an evil older women with. I have not had the chance to explore sex with trans people yet. Interacting with most men I feel female, but with some gay men I feel male.

Needle play is non sexual for me.

Level 1: Teaching. My energy is focused purely on making sure they are ok and as relaxed as possible so that I can inflict pain. I am talking to the group as I play and stopping often, therefore I do not play hard. I will talk to the subject to ensure they do not sink too far into subspace.

Level 2: Educational play. Playing with people new to BDSM who want to give it a go. I pay full attention to them, but do not release much energy, because this is an impersonal play. I may try releasing any pent up energy from them and give them some good energy so that they may experience light pain better. I speak only to check in on them, praise or reassure them. I allow them to sink into subspace if possible. I give them pain at a level I think they will enjoy and a bit of a tease of harder play.


Level 3: Hard educational play. Same thing as above, but the person has approached me explaining that no one has taken them far and they would like to experience a hard play. I give and release a bit more energy, to carry them through the pain. But I remain mainly impersonal not taking their energy. I may check in more with them. I hope for their sake they can sink into subspace.

Level 4: Playing for real - non sexual. The level of play may be from light to very hard. There is no sexual contact other than my fingers sliding around their body at the beginning to relax them and for me to understand their body and energy; and my nails at the end. My crops may move up between their legs and give their crutch a few taps, I may play with/torture their nipples/breasts, but I do not release any sexual energy towards them. It is pure sadism.

Level 4a: CBT. As above but of course I am doing evil things to their cock and balls. I am happy for them to consider it to be sexual, but to me it is sadism with humour. I talk a lot and laugh with my subjects, but if I see them sinking into subspace I allow them so that they can handle the pain. I have only done sounds with my deceased sub and that was sensual - he would often cum. The rest was non sensual, but often afterwards we would have sex.

Level 4b: Playing for real – non sexual for me, but maybe sexual for them As above. I fuck them up the arse with a strap on or piss on them. It is a D/s buzz, but not the sexual buzz that I get from fucking a women with a strap on.

Level 5: Play for real with sexual energy There is nothing that would be called sex in a vanilla sense, but we are both open giving and receiving energy. We are aware of others in the room, but we link together as if there is a circle of energy surrounding us. I may or may not use this time to also release energy blocks they have, but there is a sexual feel to the play. In this state experienced women who are open to energy can have orgasms from my pain. They can vary from very intense to just nice. Often their orgasmic energy rolls up and hits me and then I cum as well. I often squirt during these plays. When I scratch them at the end of a play I usually cum.

Level 5a: The above with women and I may digitally penetrate or rub their clit. We are not well connected yet, but are ok with it leading to this stage.

Level 6: Play with no holding back This is when there are no restraints such as audience or concerns about relationships and we are in a good space. It is just us at that moment in the world and the play flows to wherever I wish to take it and they are ok with this. We have negotiated previously about what is ok. Usually this consists of a good hard S/m work out leading to sexual play. Usually this is with my own subs occasionally it has happened with others (and happened when I was a sub with two people). The air becomes hot with our energies flowing back and forth and mingling together. If I feel they have a block I will release it quickly so that it does not interfere with our play.

Level 7: The trev stage I have only experienced this with one person and so I have named it after him. (trev is my deceased sub). Because he could handle whatever I gave to him the S/m energy was intense, the pain would rise to an intense degree and it took all my energy to dish it out. Yet energy creates energy and so I would thrive on it and have plenty left over for sex. After that we would both be exhausted of course. When we were in a relaxed state with a good environment our energy would become one. That energy that I am sure many of you have felt with a really intense sexual session with someone you love is what we would feel in our impact play and that would then carry on to sex afterwards. He had absolute trust in me, he could handle a missed hit well, he knew tantra so he could get off really well from the pain as well as processing his and my energy easily.

Hopefully I will find new levels in future exploration :-)

I Live The Lifestyle When I Can

I am going to step out there and say that BDSM is my lifestyle and my culture.

Here am I a 47 year old woman sitting in bed typing with my 23 year old sub cuddled asleep next to me. Sure I got my own breakfast, but with a nudge and some cheeky banter back and forth he would have race down to get it for me no matter who was in the house at the time and if he didn't he knows he would get hit with the toy that he hates the most, which is sitting openly in my room with many of my BDSM toys. I rarely use the stick because he loves looking after me anyway. If I was still vanilla I do not think I would have a 23 year old man in my bed and probably not a man at all. I have no interest in a relationship with a straight vanilla man.

I have one vanilla friend the rest are kinksters of many levels. My son knows what I am into, and my daughter will when I see her in person. The rest of the family have no involvement in my life and never visit me. I will be working soon and that part has to remain vanilla. If I had my way I would be paid to teach people about and demonstrate BDSM.

My studies were nearly always about queer and transgender issues and culture so they were not about BDSM, but they certainly were not promoting the heterosexual vanilla world that dominates our society. When I go on holiday I usually stay and mix with BDSM people. Since I was 22 my interests and exercises have usually been of a solitary nature.

I went to erotica. I was in the stage/bar area. The young show chickies were wandering around playing up to the crowd. They walked straight passed me - I did not exist. Yet one of them was flirting with a fat old man. I remembered that I was a fat old woman in a very different world to which I move in.

In my world there are many acceptable body shapes, in my world it is about personality and skill and style. Age is more just an interesting characteristic. In my world women are respected far more by all genders. In my world that chicky would be walking away from me with a big smile on her face after a flogging - if not more instead of a weak fake smile from doing as she is told. There would be people on the stage all shapes and sizes and ages and being cheered for shaking what they got.

As the profile status says I live the lifestyle when I can. This is my culture with all its good and bad and in between elements, because when I look out at the rest, it does nothing for me.

I have been fortunate in being able to play with some lovely and interesting people over the past 10 years. From one off plays to five glorious years – they have all have brought something to the relationship and take something away. Each interaction is different bringing variety to each other’s lives.

Admittedly there was one relationship that had devastating effects on me and my kids, but even that relationship had its good points and the most to learn from. I not only learnt from the negative experience but also because I was a fairly new sub therefore this was my path into learning about my relationship with pain. For the later I will say he did a great job.

Although playing with new people can be refreshing and a new challenge, I feel much better when I have got to know someone through play. Some relationships are brief, for example play party ones. There are one off plays where you see someone and chat and then ask if they wish to play, but after that one play we are back to the social only. However, I prefer it when I see someone I have played with before, and ask if they are interested in another play and they say yes! This way I have some idea of how their energy works, their body language, their noises, their reactions and their pain tolerance. This can vary each time of course, especially their tolerance, but if I have played with them already I have some idea of what to expect.

For myself I would far rather have a few regular playmates than a string of new ones. I can relax more and go with the flow of each play. With domming there is always so much to concentrate on even though you may be relaxed and having fun. So if you know your playmate well instinct kicks in and it becomes more pleasurable as you relax into a familiar flow; and you are both more likely to be open to try new things. To help someone on their S/m journey is indeed an honour and a pleasure.

Best of all is the relationship I had with trev and the one I now have with bear. To be really close with someone in life, love, play and sex suits me very well. I would miss not playing with others, but as long as I have my sub then I am happy. The energy playing with someone you love is amazing and I never want to take that for granted. We would like to share our lives with another (or others), or at least have regular casuals, but if that does not eventuate we are very happy with just each other.

I recently went to a party and just played with bear. There were a number of distractions for us both and so our play was not flowing as it should. Other than being asked to scratch someone briefly I did not have the opportunity to play with others that night. I came away from the party a bit flat.

The next day, however, I thought about how lucky I have been and how grateful I need to be. Many times it has been a matter of trying to fit all the play in one night or at least playing with one other person other than my sub. I recently stopped playing with a regular play partner, but it really warms me to see her happy with her girlfriend. That is a bigger buzz for me. We both enjoyed and learned from this play relationship, then moved on. I was sad to have clicked well with one woman, but due to circumstances we could not continue. However, the brief interactions helped me to understand a new part of myself that I hopefully will be exploring again soon.

Of course loosing trev through cancer was devastating, but bear came along to ease me through this and look how much we have grown together! Our play may not have been the best that particular night, but we sure made up for it the next few times  I am indeed fortunate.

So many people come away from parties with only the chance to watch, not participate. They constantly are looking for someone special in their lives. I am very grateful for all the play partners I have had in my life and all the ones I have yet to play with. We would like to enter into a long standing play relationship with another whether that is together or we both have someone separate to dominate, but the main thing is we have each other and enjoy each other every day. We say I love you throughout the day and when that collar goes on we are reminded each time of how very special our relationship is. I honour this and I must remember how very important my sub is in life.

Love you my bear xxx

The Slutwalk

I went on the Auckland Slutwalk. For a wrap up of the media coverage (including blogs) and why one may wish to go on a slut walk see my friend Curvaceous Dee’s blog - http://curvaceousdee.com/ She has done an excellent job and therefore I won’t repeat it. There has also been discussion about it in online comunities.

Instead I will talk about my personal journey in relation to Slutwalk. I am a rape survivor four times over. I will give you background before moving on to how Slutwalk relates to me at 47 years old marching down Queens St. It is a long story with no juicy bits, this time WW gets serious. Move on if you wish, stay if you want to know more.

I grew up under the tyranny of an emotionally manipulative mother, who has proudly said she brought us up like ‘perfect little zombies’; and an emotionally detached father who barely knew I existed. I rarely brought friends home due to Mum’s extensive screening and blocking programme and except for Mum’s tantrums there was very little noise or communication in our house. Then there was this weird as incident I have only recently recalled as a very young child where something sexually happened with my arse and a stranger in a toilet that was shared by a group of seedy shops. It is too blurry to understand.

Otherwise it was a pretty sweet childhood with little complaints other than being taught that girls and women had to behave and appear differently to boys and men – and that was just how the world worked – so don’t be difficult by asking questions and know that men were in charge. Put on your pink clothes, ride your bike like a women, don’t get dirty and no you cannot play soccer because you will get hurt!

However, the above conditions produced a painfully shy and paranoid kid until my first boyfriend at 14 years old when I came alive. Also I have always had and still do have communication difficulties in female friendship, whereas I have often felt an affinity with boys and men.

Cue: a montage of the teenage stoner, party animal with the same manipulative first boyfriend. We learned about sex together and there was no one to ruin my penthouse and cosmopolitan informed ideas of being a sexually liberated woman. I was the woman that could eat more, drink more and take more drugs than the other women and never cough when I spotted oil. I wondered what it would be like to be a slut and have more sex than other women.

I then slimmed down and transformed into an ‘in your face’ punk rocker in my early 20’s and ditched the boyfriend. I thought I was ugly and then I discovered I could score men at parties – what an awesome game that turned out to be. Oooh he’s hot, I wonder if I can score him – yay another notch in my belt – if it is good enough for men then it is good enough for women. I loved sex and my appetite was insatiable. It started as a fun game, but through the haze of heavy drinking and drugs it became a desperate search for someone to spend the night with me instead of being alone. I scored bad skinheads in one scene and hung out with the nice stoner friends in another. There were fucks, competition, anti conformity and hard times in one scene and fading friendships and mellow times in the other. I became a slut and I was labelled as such by men who were sluts themselves.

What protected me was that I could fight really well and I would scare the shit out of the boring normal people of Wellington, and so the men respected me and were amused by me and the women feared me. I had a few female friends who tried to warn me about my slut rep, but I did not listen.

One night I was at a party with a different crowd at an acquaintance’s house. I was looking for fresh meat in a new scene. I was given a joint that was laced with angel dust. I thought I was sleeping on the floor next to the acquaintance’s bed and being fucked by his friend. When I woke up in the morning I discovered that his entire rugby league team, and then some, had been through me. I felt shame and guilt and disgust in myself. I never saw those people again. Stupid slut – you deserved all you got!

Being a slut had brought me pain and shame and so I tried to find a relationship with the skinheads, but who wants a relationship with a slut? They could not believe that I would remain faithful. I had spent so much energy in pretending to be a nasty, tough punk rocker that they did not know the true me anyway. Then I got a boyfriend who had broken up with his wife. He was wanted by the law and it seemed exciting at the time. I went to a party one day and as I walked up the street and into the house all the skins and punks yelled “slut, slut, slut, slut”. What could I do, but hold my head high and not let them get to me. Once inside I discovered why they were doing that. There was his wife returned from a break away and she was fully pregnant. It had all been lies and manipulation. Stupid slut – did you really think you were worthy of being loved?

After he went to court and was sentenced to an alcohol programme I slashed my wrists and ended up in good old Porirua Hospital for a few days observation. I then realised that I had nothing to complain about when I saw what others went through with mental illnesses. I came out a new, but broken woman.

That week our unofficial leader was stabbed to death at a party I went to. It was time to move on up to stay with Mum for a spell then off to Auckland. It was the same sort of scene, but friendlier. I was starting a fresh with new people and doing it in a new way. What job could a messed up young women do with a flat full of people on heroin? I was damn good at sex, everyone told me so – why not get paid for it. I became a paid slut!

I felt I had gained some control in my life. I had money, I had new drugs, new parties, and I fucked people in my scene that were worthy of my friendship. I called the shots - and I had a new game to play! Entice the customers so that they move on from a massage to sex. If they didn’t then we did not get paid. If I did not get paid, I could not party and wear cool clothes and I could not keep up with the heroin culture of my new scene. Flirt + entice = survival and fun. I moved up to being the second most requested girl in the parlour.

One night a huge gross taxi driver came in and chose me. He told me that he had no money for sex, but wanted a massage. I did what we were trained to do, and I hoped that maybe he was not a time waster after all, that maybe he had some money tucked under that huge fat gut after all. I was good at what I did, and so I was up for a challenge. Flirt and entice, do the sensual massage, get the fucker horny, get money for drugs and fun. Wank, wank, money in the bank!

He pinned me down and said I was a dirty little tart and deserved to be taught a lesson. He fucked me without a condom. I could hardly breathe under his sweaty fat mass. I thought I was going to suffocate. I usually could shut part of myself off from customers and go on to automatic pilot, but this time I felt every disgusting shunt up my dirty little cunt! I felt disgusted and ashamed and stupid. Ugly, stupid slut – you deserved all you got!

I did not tell anyone, because I was ashamed and felt it was my fault. I went for a holiday back to Wellington to my old stoner friends, but I did not fit in there anymore, and returned feeling lost and alone. Work was no fun anymore. I found it hard to pretend I was having fun with the customers. I no longer flirted with my Daddy figure boss and he sensed my withdrawal. He became very controlling of me - his asset. I left and went to another parlour.

Then I met my future husband. Someone loved me after all. I stopped being a paid slut and he stopped being a drug dealer’s body guard and thief. We moved away from Auckland and started a new straight life together.

Happily ever after it was not. Zoom through 19 years moving to many places with kids in tow. The feisty part of me slowly died through a destructive marriage to an emotionally stunted, violent man with a drinking problem and my own marijuana habit. I had lost myself completely.

But then I was reborn! I gained some certificates, got work, kicked the dope, lost the husband and went to university. I was in control of my children’s lives and myself. A fresh start. Then I discovered BDSM! Wow – my life took a running leap and landed on a very cushy mat. Hard time, but good times.

Except for one time on the top I was learning to be a sub. Then a switch I had bottomed to let me top him. He turned on me and fought me until I could not hold him off anymore. He cuffed me and laughed at me. He said that he would beat me until I cried. Instead of trying to talk him down or screaming for help I went cold and numb inside. I did not back down from the challenge, because I was furious with him and the tough punk rocker surfaced and refused to back down. I was not going to give him the satisfaction of me crying and I was not going to show any pleasure in this.

After a long while of no consent he finally said that he would beat me with his belt and asked me if that was ok. In the weird state I was in by then I agreed to this ridiculous challenge. He finally gave up after the most severe beating I have ever had. I even had a cup of tea with him and thought it was all ok! Then driving home from Auckland to Hamilton I broke out of the coma and could not stop crying. I phoned him to explain how bad I felt. He just laughed at me. I realised then that this was his plan to break a strong woman. He had told me he was tired of weak subs and wanted a strong woman – now I know why. Stupid slut look what you got yourself in for this time – you deserved all you got.

A vanilla friend helped me to realise that because we had negotiated for me to top him and that there was a long period of no consent then that period was RAPE. I held on to this through a very destructive and lost time. All that power I had regained after my marriage break up had been stripped away from me. I was back to the bewildered and scared little girl in that toilet, as the shamed out slut waking up from the drugged gang bang, as the messed up hooker under the fat taxi driver and as the sad old mother and wife to the embarrassing drunk. Stupid old slut – haven’t you learned anything!

What got me through was my children, the support of friends and the realisation that it was rape – I was not to blame - my history was. I still am mad at myself for not yelling out and for my anger taking over my reasoning, but I was angry at him and all the other people that had taken away my power. That is a lot to back down from.

I moved then into a manipulative relationship with a dom and eventually moved into a house with him and my kids. He showed me love I lapped it up and like the loved starved slut I was I closed my eyes to the warning signs until they were staring me in the face. I discovered he was into kiddy porn. I kicked him out of the house and a few years later thanks to my reporting he served time in prison for pictures of children in BDSM contexts that were as young as seven.

Somehow I climbed out of all this mess. I graduated university, I brought up two awesome kids and I made some awesome friends. I became a dominant and my personal power bloomed much more than it ever did before thanks to my wonderful deceased sub slavetreva and some really cool friends along the way. I have people writing to me all the time saying how much they enjoy my writing on BDSM. I now have a fantastic young sub and fun playmates. Thank you all xxx

The good Master I used to play with called me slut in an affectionate way and so a new loving form of slut was reborn in me. I am a slut in how much I love sex and how slutty I can behave – but I am now an exclusive one with only some special people. I am very particular who I have sex with and who dominates me. I try hard to make sure the people I dominate are looked after and know that they are valued by me. I usually only wear ‘slutty clothes’ in the privacy of BDSM spaces. I do not allow others the privilege of seeing me like that.

I am a rape survivor four times over. Only the first was your classic straight forward rape situation. The other three are tangled in their actions, blurred in meaning and therefore easy for fingers of blame to be pointed at me. The thing is that I DID NOT SAY YES TO ANY OF THEM. The last one had a period where there was not consent, even if later there was - but I will add that I was very subbed out by then and it was not how we negotiated the scene. They all knew what they were doing. They all took advantage of the situation to get a trip out of my non consent. They enjoyed stealing my power

We talk about consent over and over again in BDSM, yet when it comes to rape, people are still blaming the clothes and behaviour instead of focussing on what rape is really about. That is someone taking someone else’s power away – WITHOUT CONSENT. Clothes do not give consent – people’s words do.

My little black dress does not mean yes.

When I walked down Queen Street on Saturday I walked in my doc’s symbolising my punk history (if you were not tough enough you were beaten up and had your boots taken off you – no one has ever dared do that to me). I wore a slut top and a bdsm style skirt to represent my lifestyle of fun and consent, my warm coat open for protection from the outside world, but showing the inner slut inside.

I did not want to shun away in the crowd. On the way there I posed for photos laughing and dancing as I subverted Queens St’s business and shopping space – slut on the loose! I walked up the front of the march with a banner and friends. I yelled out hard and loud for all the people before me and all the people ahead of me that have been or will be raped. I yelled out for the pain that we feel. I yelled out at how wrong societal messages are. I yelled out at the people who took my power away from me .... without my consent. I also yelled out at the fun to be an activist again after a break of seven years.

This was a very cleansing moment for me and it helped me remember how much I enjoyed activism when I was a student. A new breath of fresh air has rushed over me. A new direction is about to be known.

Thank you for reading and please remember to always stick to the pre-session negotiation.

Wonder Womyn

For this and so much more ...

Your service to my needs
Your curves under my hand
Your warmth radiating against my body

Your thirst meeting my passion
Your strength bowing to my power
Your tolerance raising to my sadism

For this and so much more I thank you for coming into my life

xxWWxx

Maakari Toa

She is tiny – and I mean tiny - but has a bum big enough to grab, grope and whack … extremely hard. At first I was scared to play with someone that small in case I would break her in two, but I soon found out she is Maakari Toa – the Little Warrior.

Maakari Toa may have had a hard life, but she is still very sweet, genuinely lovely and very witty. If someone needs assistance or is being harassed Maakari Toa swoops swiftly in righting the wrongs, helping all and sundry, and ensuring that those she cares about are comfortable, well fed and content. Always on the go, she only rests when everyone is looked after or she is releasing her beautiful spirit in play. While service is her forte, masochism is her life breath.

Such a strong, fit, defiant and beautiful Toa; her voice and mannerisms gentle; making you laugh with her funny observations and sprightly attitude as she dishes out compliments all round. If only she could see what we all see - hot, sexy, funny, beautiful, passionate, witty, gentle - but so strong … and an amazing masochist.

When I play with the Maakari Toa the world stands still and watches in amazement. The buzz I get from releasing my sadistic energy hard on this incredible warrior is a rush that is difficult to describe. She is a sadist’s dream come true. She not only takes it well, but I can see her spirit rise and inflate and spin in wondrous directions the further I push her. Our energy inspires us to go to beautiful places; and the rush of making this warrior cum from my pain is euphoric. We feed on each other’s energies. Watching her cum from caning her inner thighs will always be a highlight in my BDSM memoir. This woman deserves a special place in New Zealand’s BDSM history – if only she had the opportunity to shine.

There is so much to explore with her. I once owned a super masochist, but he died. I once was a masochist whose spirit soured high from extreme impact play. However, I have never played with a female masochist quite like this. I thought I could finally return to the level I lusted for, but alas Maakari Toa is going vanilla for awhile!

Her life has become too difficult not to be vanilla at the moment. For with the Toa it is all or nothing. Nooooo! I respect her decision, but I so want to dominate this super masochist, to inflict pain on her that only a warrior can handle and watch her melt into an adrenalin fuelled subspace that matches my sadistic space so very well. To own such an amazing being would be a huge honour that I would respect and love.

For the time being I get to enjoy her company and encourage her in her life. I draw on the memories of hot, wild plays filled with wondrous pain. Here is one such memory. I will entertain you with more later.
Maakari Toa kneels before me silent and nervous, waiting to play. She has provided me with an array of nibbles and beverages placed beautifully on the table. There is more on an after play tray waiting in the kitchen. She has just put black shiny stilettos on my stocking covered feet. Her slave spirit is settled knowing that all has been done. It is now time for the masochist to enter our space!

Stroking my legs, admiring them along with my shoes, she suddenly realises that she did not have permission to touch me. She draws back and controls her hands on her splendid legs, whispering’ “Sorry Ma’am”. I have never liked the word ‘Ma’am’ yet it really works well between her and I. Our special word!

Her little breasts heave encased in her black opaque play dress; the floral detail highlighting their delicate form. Maakari Toa’s doe eyes are lowered as her dark brown hair flows gently around her splendour neck and shoulders. I can tell it is taking quite a bit of control to stay still and wait in anticipation. How lucky am I to play with such a beauty? Smiling, I wait a little bit longer just to build the tension more.

I am impressed with the hard flogging I am giving her. There is no point in starting with the soft floggers! Her olive skin seems so velvety; yet when I use all my force on her tiny back with the skin cutting flogger it only leaves marks. The harder I go the more defiant her stance is, and the more alive she becomes. I snap the thin rubber flogger like a wet tea towel on her back and bum repeatedly. Her body draws in. I leave it there for some time before I allow a few seconds respite for the strong muscles to shift her body back into place and stretch her arms back up the wall. Quickly she pushes her petite round bottom back out ready for more. I observe her face hard against the wall, grinning between blows, daring me to try to destroy her. I hear her breathe quicken with excitement and anticipation.

It is quite a task to moderate my play to such a small body after playing with my bois and voluptuous women. I love a challenge and she proves to be a very exciting one. The moves need to be more precise. If a stray flogger hits that cute gap between her legs it could bring her out of subspace. She has had kidney damage from play with another. I am not about to repeat his ridiculous mistake. I move her to a leaning position over the back of the couch with a pile of cushions in place. Her sway back protrudes her bottom deliciously into place. Turning to impact play I go full strength with everything in my arsenal and little build up. It reminds me of playing with my painslut before cancer robbed him off his strength. Is she even aware of how much this heals my spirit? The more I know Maakari Toa the more I realise how she does not acknowledge her own strengths and her good work. Therefore, these words are written here instead of whispered in her ear after play when we curl up on the couch melting into each other.

I pound her firm buttocks like a drum in time the music of ‘The White Stripes’ with my two hard wooden spoons. This shifts to golf swing movements as she braces herself clenching the cushions, she watches me smiling in amazement. This girl is in awe of my skills just as I am in awe of her tolerance.

I suddenly sip my juice leaving her wondering what is next. I draw my two crops out. They have a sting that she both loves and hates. I rapidly dance the crops hard all over her body whipping them violently on her back, bum and thighs. Her breathe becomes louder and more laboured. Just as she sinks into the endless pain I change to the thuddy truncheon, moving from pounding to golf swing blows. This is followed with a different sting of the dressage crop.

After a while we arrive at the cane - my absolute favourite BDSM implement. I love to work up to this moment with anyone, but with a painslut like this we both soar in a frenzy of pain from canes both thick and thin. I start off with teasing movements – soft, soft, medium, medium, hard, harder! This repetition increases in intensity as the cane whooshes between strokes and I move from one side to the other. Allowing her to get her breath back and prepare for the inevitable, I work up in waves of pain towards golf swing caning. She loves it! Maakari Toa is cuming in delightful moans. Whack-whack, whack, whack!

How can she handle such pain and be in such ecstasy? This girl is a wonder. I know that feeling from my past, but I am sure it was not with such intensity. Her slim legs quivering as she braces herself against the couch almost ready to drop. In a hoarse whisper I ask her if she wants to stop or go on. I know the answer before it leaves her lips. “Please Ma’am, can I have more”. What is a sadist to do!

I lie her on the couch and spread her trembling legs wide open, exposing her glistening, wet tender inner labia. An olive version of the thinnest slices of salmon you have ever seen. I see down her tight little hole and look forward to exploring it later. I have always wanted to do this since hearing about it in ‘The Story of O’. No warm up this time Toa! I am straight in with my school cane - hard out on her toned thighs. I focus on getting in the right area, and all the time her dark eyes are shining at me daring me to go further, her lips braced in a smile that shows her struggling to not safe word or close her legs. “Good girl,” I say. “You are doing well”.

Bang, bang, bang - WHAM! Maakari Toa lets out quiet moans working up to loud. Her face is in raptures, her body spent as she cums from our favourite game – sadomasochism! We hug as she quivers in after cum rapture. “Oh, Ma’am that was so good. You are incredible”. I smile with tears in my eyes, “No you are incredible. You are so amazing and beautiful, thank you so much - that was fantastic”!

Until we met she had never cum from impact play. It has been a huge pleasure to bring her to such special moments of pain and ecstasy. Oh Maakari Toa, you cannot deny yourself that which sets your spirit alive!

Will she return to BDSM? Will we play again? Will we form the bond that seemed to be developing between us before she was forced to turn vanilla? I am watching this space the same as you!