Age: Judgement, relationships, and BDSM

Written in response to a thread asking about judging people by their age and how age affects relationships.

Relationships

My sub is 23 and I am 48. A few years back I would not have conceived having a partner that young, but there you are circumstances led us together and it has worked incredibly well. Because he is not much older than my children I can relate to him reasonably well. I am very in touch with his generation through my children. My kids and I had a close relationship when we lived together. I was the cool Mum that their friends talked easily to and I helped them with problems that their parents would not handle well. We had the fun parties where there were no dramas, etc. My sub is much more mature than my kids. I think that comes from gaming and chatting with people of many ages on the internet for years before he met me and stepped back into the real world. He can talk well with people of all ages. The only time I feel old with his generation is when people talk gaming, because my idea of games is frogger, cards and monopoly!

I was sub to a man 26 years my senior and that worked well for a time. There was a big difference in perspectives, but the age difference worked for our dynamic. It was something else that destroyed the relationship. I had a sub 15 years older than me and that worked really well. He was young at heart, but lucky for me, as a new dominant at the time, very experienced in BDSM. The difference in age rarely was a problem.

One of my regular playmates is the same age as my daughter. But she is much more mature than her. I have decided to draw the line at the age. Again I would have thought too young, but I took her under my wing when she was a newbie, because I thought it better to play with someone who would look after her. She has played with lots of people, but has come back to playing mainly with my sub and I. We do not have a sexual relationship though.

Another regular playmate is in his 50s and I used to play with his Master also in his 50s. They both do not seem older than me.

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Age in general:

Age is more than a number. It is an interesting characteristic about a person. You are a product of your generation whether you like it or not. You share some experiences with people your own age bracket, even if you are mostly very different to them. I notice each generation has certain characteristics, but other than that it is no barrier.

I think in the BDSM community age is far less of a barrier than in most communities. We all share something in common that we only get to talk about with each other. That is what binds us. Because it is of such a personal and often hidden part of our identity it breaks down many barriers - not just age. Barriers such as class, ethnicity, spiritual beliefs, sexual orientations, family cultures, career structures are put aside so that we can mingle and play and 'just be' without the outside world interfering.

However, for myself I do not comment much on fet photos younger than my sub. If I do it is more encouraging and admiring than of a sexual nature. I do not want to be too much of a dirty old lady - if it is not ok for men then I have to go by my principles and be the same. When it comes to playing with people, age rarely comes into it if they are older than my children. I expect as my children get older that will change, but generally I prefer playmates to be 21 and over. I have played with men in their 70s. As long as their health is ok and I click with them there is not a problem.

I was a stoner in my past and that too was a common ground that brought people together from all ages. Therefore I have always mixed with a variety of ages. As far as judging people by their age. I like to get to know them to figure out their maturity. I think most people would pass some judgement when they see a person before they get to know them, for example renting a property when you are in your teens you do have to make an effort to show that you are mature enough to be a good tenant.  It is much easier for me to rent places now than when I was younger. I am often judged in the vanilla world as being too old to hang out with young people and in general not eye candy to men of any generation, whereas in the BDSM world we are a bit more cerebral than that. They have no idea what I do with young people! I particularly noticed it when I went to erotica/sexpo.

When I am working with young people I notice that they respect me more than my younger co-workers, so that is an advantage. I presume it is the Mum thing. It is funny because I am the one with the unusual haircuts, piercings and musical tastes compared to my conservative young co-workers.

So age is more than a number, it is an interesting characteristic. I consider it less of a barrier in the BDSM world than the vanilla world and for me we are all just people with a variety of interesting characteristics, age being just one of them. I am very happy with my young sub  :-)

Super beings

Sometimes super beings are just human beings
Sometimes it is hard for them to even get off the couch and hang out the washing let alone save the world

Sometimes super beings are just human beings
Sometimes they have feelings just like you and needing a hug, or advice, or answers to their messages

Sometimes super beings are just human beings
They do not have all the answers for everyone or even themselves, sometimes they too feel the impossibility of life

Sometimes super beings are just human beings
They need to draw power from others rather than giving their power away; saving the world is a tiring business at times

Sometimes super beings are just human beings
Sometimes they wish they too could be destructive and not be a rolemodel and sometimes ...
they even cry!

Sometimes super beings are just human beings they need to unleash pain upon themselves see their own blood flow to know that they too are alive ...............

A journey of altered consciousness

'The kind of pain that works best as a tool of altered states is not the sort that is necessarily best for killing someone, or immobilising an enemy. To work properly, it should be sustained at the same level for a long period of time, or be adjustable as needed. It should not cause too much in the way of physical damage, because that might make you pass out and miss the entire experience. It's carefully controlled, carefully orchestrated pain, not random flailing, and the best way to work with it is to do it slowly and with attention to the reactions of one's body. This isn't just about safety ... It's that if things go wrong, you will lose the thread of altered consciousness that takes you There, wherever There is' - Raven Kaldera - Dark Moon Rising: Pagan BDSM and the Ordeal Path.

With exception to the bit about going slow I can really relate to this statement. Yes a slow build up, but I am often fast in my movement with impact play as well as slow and the many degrees in between.  However what I am interested in is the altered consciousness that is called subspace. If one is to go deep into it, is it similar to the journeys of ancient cultures? The above book, that was given to me by the lovely Chilli_gal, and a recent experience made me ponder over the BDSM style that I have developed and my personal philosophy on sadism that has been developing over the years.

Kaldera works from a pagan perspective and therefore there is a lot of stuff about gods and pagan belief systems that I find hard to read in his book, but the principles of the Ordeal Path that ancient and some current non Christian based societal groups were/are practicing is something that I can relate to for personal growth through pain. Actually some earlier Christians were also into it such as the flagellates.

I absolutely think each to their own, whatever floats each other’s boats. I love that tops take so many different approaches etc, etc, but I have worked out what works for ME; and there seems to be a large number of playmates that enjoy what I do, so I am not alone in this. Some have even noticed a shift in their energy and an ability to do things that they could not do before. If the bottoms wish to consider my S/m play as just a bit of fun then that is great. However, if they wish to feel they are in touch with something deeper inside or outside of themselves through pain then that is even better.

I love taking people on journeys through pain. It does not have to go deep, but I certainly would like to explore that side with some. Through my actions I like to guide them along a path. I may jolt them a little when it feels right, but I do not like to jolt them out of subspace, because all that work we have just been through needs to start again if we are to reach a pain that they are truly capable of tolerating.

When I was a sub I knew that BDSM could be a journey of personal growth, but also each play is like a journey within itself. Perhaps it was similar to taking a trip on acid in the 70s (when the acid was good!) or peyote in the dessert, or skewering your mouth or back in a religious ritual, or flagellation in medieval times.  When I subbed to my ex-dom I often would go deep into sub space. It would be like a meditative journey. One in which I once even visualised something that I would not see until the following week. I would go into this landscape that seemed so real, but if I tried to question where I was and what I was doing there I would be pulled back into consciousness. It is with this understanding of the altered consciousness that I approach my sadism.

I want to take people on journeys into an altered consciousness, i.e. subspace. So far I have only played with a few people that I feel are ready  to go as far as I went myself, but I think there are many with such potential and a few that can go much further if they allow me – and most importantly allow themselves to go ‘there’. I think this is why I am not interested in the D/s thing when playing in an S/m way. I am their guide more than their dominator. The domination is just to set the scene, keep them in the space and for them to focus on my voice when necessary.

I consider it is a matter of not thinking, but feeling and then pushing through the pain barrier to float on the other side. To explore the other side without interference from your conscious self – and that is where trust is so important, otherwise you are still going back and forth and not able to explore. To let go and believe the top will guide you right is a big leap of faith, or in my case as a new sub it was my dominant putting me into a comfy position after play and allowing me to drift without interruption until I was ready to come out of it.

I am no pagan and as I said above what I have read and heard so far regarding the ordeal path is a bit off putting for me personally – but power to the people that it fits well with. My belief system is actually based in my contact with spiritualists a few years ago. Then I developed my own spiritual journey through meditation and the information that found me rather than I have found it.  It was a matter of just knowing what to do and believing in me and those that guide me. I think the dear old mediums at the spiritualist church would probably not agree with me mixing BDSM with spiritualism, but when they reach the other side they may change their minds.  It is just that they are not here for that reason, whereas I am increasingly aware that one of the reasons I am here and now is for that reason. I think it is in line with the pagan ordeal journey that Kaldera writes about – but for me there are no entities, just energies and guides.

For me it was a process of coming to the understanding that the modern world has left the sexual and recreational pain in a special bad/sacred box and therefore erotic and/or enjoyable pain is just wrong. To combine it with a spiritual journey seems sacrilege to many puritans, yet what I and many others are doing, whether it involves the sexual or not, is touching on areas of the body and mind that others consider dirty or weird or ‘just not right’.

At the same time for many in the BDSM community to use all that fun stuff in a spiritual way also is ‘just not right’, but I think anyone working with energy may have some understanding of what I am talking about on both sides of the fence. It is in working with the energy that is between and within the people in S/m sessions and remembering my own personal journeys as a bottom that I have gained insight into where I want to take my sadism and where I want to take my playmates.

I feel that it is perfectly natural to get a thrill in your head and/or in your genitals from giving and receiving pain. To match this up with a spiritual journey seems a natural thing to do. If the word spiritual does not fit well with you then please name that journey something that suits you (just as I have chosen to skim over Raven Kaldera’s rituals and gods). Make it your own!

I started writing this lengthy entry to process my thoughts and feelings on my style of play compared to others and the book I was reading about spiritual journeys through BDSM. Not only am I enjoying evil sadistic fun, but I love nurturing and guiding people on their journey through Sadomasochism and subspace.   

I recognise that some do not understand it or wish to understand it and others do not believe in it. I also understand that some tops enjoy pulling people out of subspace to increase their pain and make it more difficult for them. However, I believe that a person can go much further on their pain journey in the present and into the future if they are allowed to work through subspace in a session – not be pulled out of it just as they are sinking into it. It is a case of different strokes for different folks, but for me the content and floaty looks on people’s faces after playing with them is equally a reward as the fun of inflicting my pain upon to them.

Enjoy the trip!

WW ;-)  

Hand strapping

Hand strapping. I don’t know what it is about hand strapping, but it is really hot and brings out the young naughty little masochist in me. It is something that is really only suited to be dished out by certain people to make it feel ‘right. To date I have not felt the right vibe to do it someone else you very often.

I used to be dommed by an older English styled dominant of the old spanko variety. He brought out a naughty young lady character from my inner depths. I tried to deny this feeling/character, but it/she was often there when we played and she often would sit between us when we were alone. She certainly immerged when I was standing to attention legs together, hands at my sides head bowed or looking directly ahead ready to present my hands palm upwards for a hand strapping. I was usually in a suspender belt and stockings, perhaps some lingerie, but often nothing else. Not exactly school girl or Victorian ward attire, but there was a feel of that age in such a scene even though it was never spoken. We did not need to create the scene to feel it.

I loved and hated hand strapping. I hated it because it hurt and I loved it because it hurt and gave me such a thrill. It was always hard to lift my hand up and offer it to him to strap. I knew what was coming and I hated the burning pain, it made me want to cry, but at the same time it brought me such intense pleasure emotionally and sexually. As my hand was burning from the pain my clit was glowing and a warm excited feeling would wind its way throughout my body.

Having to then present my other hand was so difficult to do. I knew what would happen, yet I longed for it. If there was any moment that I knew I was a masochist this was it! I would have to put my burning hand at my side, or on his cock that was hanging out of his trousers, as I then replaced the fresh hand waiting for the pain to come. Then of course I would have to present the first hand for another strapping when it was still sore. It was hard to do, yet I loved doing it for him and for me. Over and over I would repeat this until I could not take anymore. He would be stern, but amused at my behaviour. He knew he had a masochist on his hands and he liked to prove it to him and myself by me offering my hand even though I was in pain.

Those masochist days have long gone for me, but the memories are there and the hot feeling whenever I see a hand strapping. I am not that person anymore and cannot bottom to a character that would suit such a scene. However, sometimes I am a school girl or Victorian ward in my fantasies and the hand strapping makes an appearance.  

If I find the right person to suit such a scene I would love to strap their hand. Passing it on as it were.

    

Pain

Pain in the BDSM sense is many things to me. As a bottom it was connected to challenging my body and mind as well as a turn on. I would cum from canes, single tails and nipple torture. It was also an amazing way to escape from my everyday life. It centred my body and mind. I do miss it.

Sex after or during a play session is usually awesome giving and receiving but for me it has to be with the right people. And 'the right people' seems to be getting more complex as I go along.

As a dominant giving pain also has many levels. I can do it as an educational thing for demos or for assisting people to understand with new stuff on their journey. My reward is the sense of passing it on to others, spreading the love that is BDSM.

Then there is my sadistical pleasure. As a few of you know given a willing and strong mind and healthy body mixed with a good rapport I would go to huge lengths of fun/horror in my sadism. There does not need to be sexual elements in it for me to be chuckling manically or getting a huge rush mentally and often sexually.

There is also playing with someone I am attracted to. I do not need to play particularly hard with them to get my rush, but the more intense the play the more I enjoy it.

I am currently looking for someone to do cbt with. I do not want to be sexually attracted to them. I want to do nasty and often funny things with their equipment. They need to enjoy this and not expect any form of sexual release in my presence. I want them to enjoy the cbt as a masochist with a sense of humour and challenge. They are most welcome to carry the experience away and do what they like with it afterwards. So that is another level. But because it will involve needles and electricity I have no takers yet.

I love it when two minds meet on the same S/m wavelength. I have only experienced this with three people on the giving end and one on the receiving end. We just link mind and body in glorious pain and it 'just works'. No point in unpacking it - just do it. It is like a game of how far we can go, a challenge of endurance and ecstasy.

I love taking people to their limit of endurance, pushing them further than they ever expected to go. To see them so blissful and exhausted at the end and me sailing on such a huge high myself. It gives me so much joy.

Pain is such an important part of my life - love it!

I am sick sick sick

Fetlife, one of the few places I can go and feel free to express myself in my true profane, insane, and just plain gruesome self. The sadist in my can wallow in explicit photos of people’s torture. I can admire provocative art that is savage, intelligent, sadistic and sensual. I savour the intimate moments between sadist and masochist caught in pixels for the BDSM world to see. I admire and envy their journeys.

I am turned on and/or admire the scenes in front of me as I flick through my feed. They spark ideas for my play; they take me to new heights of fantasy; and deliver me from the boring vanilla world outside my door. My Fetlife friends deliver the beautiful, bizarre, gory, gritty, humourous and hilarious to me each day as I eagerly view at the click of my mouse. I return the favour in full by commenting on the photos that provoke an emotion within me from latex fetish models, to rope art, to folks at home having fun, to the strange and weird, right through to incredible sadistic works of art.

Fetlife is a place I call home through good times and bad. I have made friends there with people from all over the world. Some I have met and most I will never meet. However there are many in New Zealand I have met and are likely to meet. (A small country can be a good place at times). I have openly discussed and written about my interests, fantasies, skills, opinions, loves, losses, and even my submissive’s death. It is my release, my entertainment, my infotainment and education.

I would have thought that Fetlife would be the place where I could relax and be myself without the annoyance of judgement. Lately it is a place where I am reminded that I am sick.

Some of it is from well meaning friends who cannot share my interest in hard core S/m. I understand that even the thumbnail pictures are too much for them to take. I would have thought they could skip through and look for the ok pictures amongst the ones that look like gore, or just look for my updates and writing to keep up with what is going on in my life - but apparently not. I do not want to upset people, so I have to accept the dreaded unfriending on Fetlife and still carry on as usual as friends in real life. But when I see them I notice I censor my conversation. I do not chat away about some of the BDSM stuff that makes my heart soar.

I try not to take it to heart – your kink is not my kink, etc. However some are playing rather extremely themselves, which seems a tad ironic. I suppose they cannot see what a crowd of people see done to them on a monthly basis, but there is no blood. Maybe that is the issue. Whatever. I try not to take it to heart, but I do miss seeing their comments and shared pictures on Fetlife (knowing about their lives when I see so little of them in person).

Some overseas friends unfriend me without telling me. I suddenly notice someone has commented on their picture and then realise why I did not see it before. I have been unfriended. I have to ask why to myself. Could be many reasons, but it could be because my taste is not acceptable.

Other people openly comment on my photos telling me I am sick. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but why bother to look and comment on my photos if that is how they feel? What I do is completely consensual and risk aware – and it is with adult humans only. I personally am offended by their bland photo collections. Yet if that is all they are into I do not feel a need to comment on how boring they are. I just do not bother looking if it upsets the sadist in me!

All of this has been eating away at me lately. I can say “whatever” and carry on, but I chose to be part of Fetlife to be myself and freely express the ‘me’ that is not acceptable outside of Fetlife. I wonder if it is eroding the sadist in me. I comment less than I used to on the shocking photos. I rarely lead friends into the trap of looking at something totally off the wall. It used to be a fun game. Who can find the most shocking photo? I still comment on the photos that move me emotionally as a sadist, but straight away I wonder which friend I have offended and I am reminded that I am sick and my taste is unacceptable.

I have just spent time with my son. We watched graphically violent and artistic, and graphically violent and funny films. He is not into BDSM, but knows I am into it. His approach is like my approach. We appreciate the portrayal of violence and gore, but we look beyond it to further understand the capture of the beauty and pain of humanity. This is something that I feel is missing in so many people’s perceptions of torture, BDSM, and violent fantasy. This is the bit I wish I could explain to people, but quite frankly I cannot be bothered.

They will never understand the journey that some people on Fetlife are on. I have lived through extreme S/m sessions. I have come out of them understanding myself and humanity deeply through doing this. For me it is far more than getting sexually turned on. I love guiding people through similar journeys. I would love to reach such heights as someone like Goddessira, but I do not think I will met someone to do this with and I am so out of practice that I know I cannot be the masochist I once was. So I live through the amazing Fetlife pictures hoping to gain some insight into how it feels. I just want to say “hey look at this folks – this is mind blowing” but I do it less and less.

I am enjoying myself and I have every right to, because no one I am looking at or play with are being forced to do it. I do not watch porn which is usually performance only; and I often wonder what led them to do what they do. I do not do horrible things to people. I do amazing things to people and I wish I could do even more amazing things to people!

The pictures I view on Fetlife are all consenting adults doing what they want to do. I will continue feasting on Fetlife fun and fantasy, but I will ponder on ways to not feel bad about something that makes me feel so good, so real, so ok. I am very pleased that my son unknowingly reminded me that I am not sick. I have the intelligence to view S/m and violent fantasy both deeply and shallowly. And I like what I see!

Wonder Womyn ;-)

Reply to someone asking about cbt needle work

Hello. I do not have any experience yet with labia, but I have experience with penises and scrotums. I have not pierced through testicles yet - but that must be done with sterile needles or auto-claved objects only and I suggest you have a lot of experience before driving anything into this area. I would also not suggest going down the urethra, due the risk of injury in an area a lay person cannot attend to well. (There are sounds to play with down there instead).

I suggest you have a look back through my [fetlife] profile that will give you some scope, and maybe join some of the many cbt, genital torture groups for more. (You need to go back awhile in the pictures, because I stopped when my sub developed cancer - not in that area).

I am not sure about your region, but I and people I know get their needles from needle exchanges. Just say they are for play piercings and so you don't need syringes. Their products are sterile and safe, and they are efficient. You will need to buy a needle disposal unit. If you bring back a full one you get a free one back and the needles are cheaper the fuller the unit. The one in Auckland that I use is in East St, just of K'rd.

I have pierced along the cock and on the edge of the glans/head and in various parts of the scrotum. I have stretched and pegged the scrotum out on a large cork with the middle bored out on it with large needles (soaked in janola). I had plans to autoclave nails to do this, but my sub became ill before I was able to. Due to the fine skin in this area I have found it easier to work with small needles such as 23 and 25 gauge needles especially in the scrotum. I have however used up to 16 gauge needles in both areas before.

Remember for bondage and needles this area is like a snail. The balls slide easily from your fingers and try to escape the needles. The cock usually shrinks when in pain, but some lucky people manage to remain in tacked.

I suggest you or whoever is doing it start by learning on backs, arms, hands and thighs before moving to such a fragile area. The skin is very different down there though, so try the web between the thumb and pointer finger. Northern Bonds occasionally has needle workshops, I suggest that you join up if you are prepared to come down to Auckland for them. I do not think they teach you cbt needle play, but it is a good place to get pointers.

As for how it feels I am sorry I have no experience there. I know it hurts in the nipples and that my new sub finds it too painful in the cock and balls. Some people love the pain, some even get turned on by it, but all I have spoken to say it is painful.

Good luck in your journey

WW ;-)