Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I am sick sick sick

Fetlife, one of the few places I can go and feel free to express myself in my true profane, insane, and just plain gruesome self. The sadist in my can wallow in explicit photos of people’s torture. I can admire provocative art that is savage, intelligent, sadistic and sensual. I savour the intimate moments between sadist and masochist caught in pixels for the BDSM world to see. I admire and envy their journeys.
I am turned on and/or admire the scenes in front of me as I flick through my feed. They spark ideas for my play; they take me to new heights of fantasy; and deliver me from the boring vanilla world outside my door. My Fetlife friends deliver the beautiful, bizarre, gory, gritty, humourous and hilarious to me each day as I eagerly view at the click of my mouse. I return the favour in full by commenting on the photos that provoke an emotion within me from latex fetish models, to rope art, to folks at home having fun, to the strange and weird, right through to incredible sadistic works of art.
Fetlife is a place I call home through good times and bad. I have made friends there with people from all over the world. Some I have met and most I will never meet. However there are many in New Zealand I have met and are likely to meet. (A small country can be a good place at times). I have openly discussed and written about my interests, fantasies, skills, opinions, loves, losses, and even my submissive’s death. It is my release, my entertainment, my infotainment and education.
I would have thought that Fetlife would be the place where I could relax and be myself without the annoyance of judgement. Lately it is a place where I am reminded that I am sick.
Some of it is from well meaning friends who cannot share my interest in hard core S/m. I understand that even the thumbnail pictures are too much for them to take. I would have thought they could skip through and look for the ok pictures amongst the ones that look like gore, or just look for my updates and writing to keep up with what is going on in my life - but apparently not. I do not want to upset people, so I have to accept the dreaded unfriending on Fetlife and still carry on as usual as friends in real life. But when I see them I notice I censor my conversation. I do not chat away about some of the BDSM stuff that makes my heart soar.
I try not to take it to heart – your kink is not my kink, etc. However some are playing rather extremely themselves, which seems a tad ironic. I suppose they cannot see what a crowd of people see done to them on a monthly basis, but there is no blood. Maybe that is the issue. Whatever. I try not to take it to heart, but I do miss seeing their comments and shared pictures on Fetlife (knowing about their lives when I see so little of them in person).
Some overseas friends unfriend me without telling me. I suddenly notice someone has commented on their picture and then realise why I did not see it before. I have been unfriended. I have to ask why to myself. Could be many reasons, but it could be because my taste is not acceptable.
Other people openly comment on my photos telling me I am sick. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but why bother to look and comment on my photos if that is how they feel? What I do is completely consensual and risk aware – and it is with adult humans only. I personally am offended by their bland photo collections. Yet if that is all they are into I do not feel a need to comment on how boring they are. I just do not bother looking if it upsets the sadist in me!
All of this has been eating away at me lately. I can say “whatever” and carry on, but I chose to be part of Fetlife to be myself and freely express the ‘me’ that is not acceptable outside of Fetlife. I wonder if it is eroding the sadist in me. I comment less than I used to on the shocking photos. I rarely lead friends into the trap of looking at something totally off the wall. It used to be a fun game. Who can find the most shocking photo? I still comment on the photos that move me emotionally as a sadist, but straight away I wonder which friend I have offended and I am reminded that I am sick and my taste is unacceptable.
I have just spent time with my son. We watched graphically violent and artistic, and graphically violent and funny films. He is not into BDSM, but knows I am into it. His approach is like my approach. We appreciate the portrayal of violence and gore, but we look beyond it to further understand the capture of the beauty and pain of humanity. This is something that I feel is missing in so many people’s perceptions of torture, BDSM, and violent fantasy. This is the bit I wish I could explain to people, but quite frankly I cannot be bothered.
They will never understand the journey that some people on Fetlife are on. I have lived through extreme S/m sessions. I have come out of them understanding myself and humanity deeply through doing this. For me it is far more than getting sexually turned on. I love guiding people through similar journeys. I would love to reach such heights as someone like Goddessira, but I do not think I will met someone to do this with and I am so out of practice that I know I cannot be the masochist I once was. So I live through the amazing Fetlife pictures hoping to gain some insight into how it feels. I just want to say “hey look at this folks – this is mind blowing” but I do it less and less.
I am enjoying myself and I have every right to, because no one I am looking at or play with are being forced to do it. I do not watch porn which is usually performance only; and I often wonder what led them to do what they do. I do not do horrible things to people. I do amazing things to people and I wish I could do even more amazing things to people!
The pictures I view on Fetlife are all consenting adults doing what they want to do. I will continue feasting on Fetlife fun and fantasy, but I will ponder on ways to not feel bad about something that makes me feel so good, so real, so ok. I am very pleased that my son unknowingly reminded me that I am not sick. I have the intelligence to view S/m and violent fantasy both deeply and shallowly. And I like what I see!
Wonder Womyn ;-)