Sunday, June 10, 2012
Genital Torture and Me
I was recently inspired by a collection of CBT photos in fetlife. One in particular was a guy in latex chaps with his penis bound in front of him with a humbler to propel it up and the head was a globe of needles. It looked spectacular. Like something you would see in an art gallery. I find work like that very inspirational. To take some body parts that are usually seen as something else and turn them into a work of art really gives me a thrill. It is doubly so if it involves that person going through a process of pain. Having them submit their body in a session (especially a vulnerable part), watching them process that pain, feeling their energy as they do this and all the time I am playing with a tender part of their anatomy changing it into some thing humourous, artistic, horrifying, sweet, beautiful, pretty - whatever takes my fancy at the time.
Before it was cock and balls, now I have ventured out into labia, urethra, vagina. Any worry about projection I once had was processed in the first session. My dominant/sadist side came through and I did not think about this being done to me, but fully focused on what needed to be done - implements and body parts, as well as soothing and reassuring the brave receptor of the pain.
I really miss cock and ball torture. Finding a regular suitable play partner seems impossible presently. Not only do I love the sensations and thoughts as above, but I also love taking the great phallic symbol that has been worshiped as the be all and end all of huMANity and reducing it to something else. It is not a hatred of man, but a subversion of patriarchy. It is done with humour and love. Not maliciousness and hatred. I am sure some people miss this point.
I do not hate men, I love many of them and are meh about a lot of them. Some annoy the fuck out of me, but I do not hate them. I just think society has taken them way too seriously and put major expectations on them for far too long. Taking the phallic symbol and subverting it is a work of art in itself and one I wish to share with the world, but a lot of the world just projects themselves or those they care about in to the picture and does not get it at all.
People are so hung up over genitals and so hung up over blood. Blood is beautiful, and ancient, and sexy, our life essence therefore it is sacred and needs to be expressed not always contained in the vessels we call bodies. Genitals are subjective and are at the mercy of the situation they are placed in. This paragraph will be explored further later.
When I used to do CBT on trev all of the above was happening, but also love was there between us. I not only admired him for always taking on the challenge and turning it into pleasure, but I loved inflicting the pain and seeing him take it with love and grace and moving it into something he could enjoy - such a clever masochist. I would love to reward him afterwards with my body for him to pleasure and for me to pleasure his. His greatest reward was to see me delighted in what I was doing to him and then seeing me blissed out at what he was doing to me. I know that all helped him to take the challenge and I know that is why it is so hard to find a play partner now.
Now I love someone who does not have the pleasure response to cbt, therefore my cbt work is about respect and care for the one going through the pain and the pure sadistic pleasure of doing it, married with the fun or creating something new with the traditional cock and balls. These new play partners are not rewarded with my body and therefore it is harder to find one that fits with me. Their reward needs to be moving much further in their own personal journey of pleasure, endurance and pain. They need to enjoy it in some way. My love comes to them as a fellow human being helping them and enjoying them, but not as something sexual.
Do I ever think about the men that have raped me when I do cbt? No I really don't.
When I am doing my sadistic work on any part of the body I am thinking of that person and what is happening between us not my past. I do not play with people I do not feel good with. That is a risk I am not prepared to take and not something I can enjoy. I am not a bitch domme I am a nurturer. Even when I push people to go places they do not think they can go it is as a nurturer as well as a sadist. I don't do things to people that I think will hurt them emotionally or psychologically. That goes against my beliefs. If others wish to do that then so be it, but it is not for me.
CBT for me is about artistry, humour, endurance, energy, subversion, golden moments and love.