Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Age: Judgement, relationships, and BDSM

Written in response to a thread asking about judging people by their age and how age affects relationships.


My sub is 23 and I am 48. A few years back I would not have conceived having a partner that young, but there you are circumstances led us together and it has worked incredibly well. Because he is not much older than my children I can relate to him reasonably well. I am very in touch with his generation through my children. My kids and I had a close relationship when we lived together. I was the cool Mum that their friends talked easily to and I helped them with problems that their parents would not handle well. We had the fun parties where there were no dramas, etc. My sub is much more mature than my kids. I think that comes from gaming and chatting with people of many ages on the internet for years before he met me and stepped back into the real world. He can talk well with people of all ages. The only time I feel old with his generation is when people talk gaming, because my idea of games is frogger, cards and monopoly!

I was sub to a man 26 years my senior and that worked well for a time. There was a big difference in perspectives, but the age difference worked for our dynamic. It was something else that destroyed the relationship. I had a sub 15 years older than me and that worked really well. He was young at heart, but lucky for me, as a new dominant at the time, very experienced in BDSM. The difference in age rarely was a problem.

One of my regular playmates is the same age as my daughter. But she is much more mature than her. I have decided to draw the line at the age. Again I would have thought too young, but I took her under my wing when she was a newbie, because I thought it better to play with someone who would look after her. She has played with lots of people, but has come back to playing mainly with my sub and I. We do not have a sexual relationship though.

Another regular playmate is in his 50s and I used to play with his Master also in his 50s. They both do not seem older than me.

Age in general:

Age is more than a number. It is an interesting characteristic about a person. You are a product of your generation whether you like it or not. You share some experiences with people your own age bracket, even if you are mostly very different to them. I notice each generation has certain characteristics, but other than that it is no barrier.

I think in the BDSM community age is far less of a barrier than in most communities. We all share something in common that we only get to talk about with each other. That is what binds us. Because it is of such a personal and often hidden part of our identity it breaks down many barriers - not just age. Barriers such as class, ethnicity, spiritual beliefs, sexual orientations, family cultures, career structures are put aside so that we can mingle and play and 'just be' without the outside world interfering.

However, for myself I do not comment much on fet photos younger than my sub. If I do it is more encouraging and admiring than of a sexual nature. I do not want to be too much of a dirty old lady - if it is not ok for men then I have to go by my principles and be the same. When it comes to playing with people, age rarely comes into it if they are older than my children. I expect as my children get older that will change, but generally I prefer playmates to be 21 and over. I have played with men in their 70s. As long as their health is ok and I click with them there is not a problem.

I was a stoner in my past and that too was a common ground that brought people together from all ages. Therefore I have always mixed with a variety of ages. As far as judging people by their age. I like to get to know them to figure out their maturity. I think most people would pass some judgement when they see a person before they get to know them, for example renting a property when you are in your teens you do have to make an effort to show that you are mature enough to be a good tenant.  It is much easier for me to rent places now than when I was younger. I am often judged in the vanilla world as being too old to hang out with young people and in general not eye candy to men of any generation, whereas in the BDSM world we are a bit more cerebral than that. They have no idea what I do with young people! I particularly noticed it when I went to erotica/sexpo.

When I am working with young people I notice that they respect me more than my younger co-workers, so that is an advantage. I presume it is the Mum thing. It is funny because I am the one with the unusual haircuts, piercings and musical tastes compared to my conservative young co-workers.

So age is more than a number, it is an interesting characteristic. I consider it less of a barrier in the BDSM world than the vanilla world and for me we are all just people with a variety of interesting characteristics, age being just one of them. I am very happy with my young sub  :-)